On how I really need sex badly (and other nonsense)

OK this may be a little bit more information that I've divulged as of late, but so what. Here goes. I need sex. Badly. I'm an oversized bottle of lube, sitting in the linen closet, collecting dust. I'm condoms that are expiring before your very eyes. I am a porno movie just waiting to be made, but with nobody to star in the damn thing. I'm oversexed without the sex. And the sad thing is, as each week passes, I am slowly noticing that my desire for sex is slowly leaving me. Is that bad? Or is that good? Does this mean that I am no longer so addicted to sex that I need it 24/7? Or is it really true that after a certain amount of time, one can somehow return to a virginal state? Yeah OK, it's not #2. Because hell, once it's done, it's done. And believe me, it's ALL been done. If you know what I mean. I gotta be honest, the days of having the overwhelming urge to fuck the living shit out of any of-age male figure that moves in front of me has passed me by. Sure, I still spend hours of my free time online, and you can find my mug in any number of Internet-based hook-up or dating sites-- usually online-- but now, instead of intently cruising the list of screen names to find the perfect bottom to match my top, I let the chats and listings sit while I browse people's blogs or work on a design project that is probably due in the next 24 hours or so. And you know what? I don't mind that one bit. Before I found blogging, I spent 99% of my online time cruising. And I mean serious, hard-core cruising. And I've done some really stupid things in that time. Royally stupid. There were days when I'd have sex with more than one partner. There were days when I'd have sex with more than two. And I didn't care. It just never bothered me. Now for some reason it does. Call me picky. Say that I've matured. Or that I've grown out of that phase of my life. Whatever you want to say, or however you wish to word it, I just don't feel the need to devote that kind of time to cruising for sex anymore. So is that good? Yes. I think it's good. I think I have turned a very important page. And sure, I can still be found on cruisy sites. But it doesn't mean I'm doing anything. In fact, given the fact that I haven't had sex with another person in nearly 3 months-- and before that there was a 4 month gap between partners-- it's probably safe to say that I am moving out of that phase. And I have maybe matured somewhat. I'm going to be 35 years old. I think it's time for me to start thinking more maturely anyway. On how I have really wonderful friends Tonight I drove four of my good friends out to another friend of ours' family's home in Glenview, IL for a dinner party. He had actually cooked a lovely dinner for us all, just because we were his friends. (I should note that this particular guy is the aforementioned "Cute New Chorus Guy" I was going on about a few months ago. All that happened back then is water under the bridge and we are now on very friendly terms.) The evening was wonderful, filled with lots of laughter and conversation, wonderful food. and of course, wonderful friends. So no matter what happens, no matter how lonely I may feel, no matter how horny I may get... the fact that I have wonderful friends like these outweighs all issues, obstacles, and problems I may be having. I'm very, very thankful for that. On how I could care less about the Oscars®, yet I will be at a particular Oscar® Party tomorrow evening, and you should be there too! Yep, CGMC is hosting their annual Oscar Party tomorrow night. And while I won't be singing (I must have missed that memo) or anything, I will be in attendance. $40 at the door goes to CGMC and gives you free drinks for a few hours, free food, and free glances at Chicago's finest men. Oh yeah, it's at Sidetrack, always a fun place for a party. Starts at 5:00 PM. Be there or be Cher. Or something like that. On how happy I am that Jay won "Project Runway" OK I know I am a few days late in talking about this, but if you missed the finale of Bravo's "Project Runway" you missed one hell of a show. It had everything. Drama, cat-fighting, drama, tears, drama, laughs, drama, fashion, drama, bitchiness and of course... DRAMA. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no fan of drama in real life, but when it's on TV, where it belongs, it's FUN. And my boy Jay won. WOO HOO. He absolutely rocked. I am so proud of my big teddy bear. Now I can't wait for season two!! On how I have a new (temporary) gig Starting today, you will be able to find me guest blogging for Pua while she takes a break to deal with some difficult recent life events. For those of you who don't know Pua, she is absolutely one of the warmest, most wonderful people I have ever met-- and I haven't even met her face-to-face yet. Her heart is bigger than the entire Pacific Ocean, and I am honored to have even the tiniest island insde that enormous expanse. So for a short while, Pua has asked me to sit in for her at "Warm Cookies With a Whiskey Chaser," her newly-named home. Won't you stop by and check it out (if you haven't already,) and while you're reading what I have to say there, read back and get to know the wonderful person that is Pua. You won't be disappointed.

I've got the music in me!

Thanks, Patrick... thanks a lot. :) And thanks to Tuna Girl for tagging him. But it's true, I do have the music in me. Wanna hear? OK before the weekend dropoff occurs (too late) I wanted to get this post written and... well.. posted. Yep.. it's the music tag-game-thingy. So here goes: (Note: The grammatical policeman in me couldn't help it. I had to correct the horrific grammar in the "Questions." Sue me.) What's the total number of music files on your computer? Holy friggin crap.. I have 3,520 files! Now I should add, for any government-type officials that might be out there... 90% of those are ripped off of CD's that I OWN. So nyah. Keep your cuffs to yourself. The last CD you bought was: Oh dear... Um... Hm... I think I bought two or three. Duran Duran Astronaut, The Carpenters As Time Goes By and one other that slips my mind at the moment. What song did you listen to just before reading this message? "Fever" by Michael Buble (yummy) Name 5 songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you and tell why they mean so much: 1. I Know You By Heart and Over The Rainbow - Eva Cassidy - Maybe it's her tragic story. But the music that Eva Cassidy produced in her brief lifetime stands on its own without even that to back it up. Something about Eva just drew me to her instantly, and to choose two songs (let alone ONE) is really difficult. These two songs just seem to embody what her music means to me. Now of course, to say "her music" is to imply that she wrote the songs herself. And of course she didn't... "Over the Rainbow?" Cmon. But Eva had the ability to take a song-- in most cases one that you knew and loved already-- and interpret it in such a new and fresh way that you would swear you were hearing it for the first time. These two songs probably evoke the most emotion from me because they came along at a very particular time in my life... when my ex and I split and I was literally despondent. The lyrics to "I Know You By Heart" rang truest of all... Midnights in winter The glowing fire Lights up your face in Orange and gold I see your sweet smile Shine through the darkness Its line is etched in my memory So I'd know you by heart. Mornings in April Sharing our secrets We'd walk until the morning was gone We were like children Laughing for hours The joy you gave me Lives on and on 'Cause I know you by heart. I still hear your voice On warm summer nights Whispering like the wind You left in autumn The leaves were turning I walked down roads of Orange and gold I saw your sweet smile I heard your laughter You're still here Beside me every day 'Cause I know you by heart. Now I ask you... how can you hear those word and not be moved? 2. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon & Garfunkel - It is just one of the most perfect songs about friendship and love, and the fact that if you love someone, whether romantically or not, you will do anything for that person. I used to sing this song when I had my cabaret show. 3. Honesty - Billy Joel - So true, so very, very true. Honesty is such a lonely word. My life in words and music. I also used to sing this at my cabaret show. 4. By My Side - Godspell Soundtrack(s) - I know that Patrick posted this one too, but dammit it is an incredible song, and ever since I did Godspell in high school many years ago, this song has never failed to move me. The words aren't necessarily religious, but again invoke a sense of loyalty and comfort in knowing that someone you love will follow you wherever you go... by your (my) side. Favorite version - from the movie. 5. Hallelujah - kd lang and/or Jeff Buckley- This is an instance where the song itself particularly moves me, no matter who sings it. But these two versions, by the incomparable kd lang and the late great Jeff Buckley, are absolutely stellar. 6. When October Goes - Barry Manilow (Why do I only get to choose five? Screw that!) - Words by Johnny Mercer, music by Barry Manilow... the song is absolutely priceless. Another of my former cabaret standards. 7. You Should Be Dancing - Bee Gees - You just try and keep your toes still when you hear this song. IMPOSSIBLE! 8. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow - Roberta Flack - Early Roberta Flack is flawless. Absolutely flawless. And her interpretation of this song (a Carole King classic in and of itself) is as flawless as she was. Completely different than any other version you've heard. Story of my lovelife. 9. The Man With The Child In His Eyes - Kate Bush - There's a reason why Kate Bush takes years between albums. She puts out consistently original and powerful music. And that takes time. This song is certainly no exception. Two more Kate songs I adore: This Woman's Work and Moments of Pleasure. 10. Rocket Man - Elton John - C'mon did you think I wasn't going to include this one? Simply put, one of the greatest pop songs ever written. Might not mean anything at all, but what pop song really means anything? And hell, it's where I got my "name"! :) Who are you going to tag next? (3 persons) and why? Jake - 'Cause nobody's asked him yet. And I think his answers will be entertaining. Scott - 'Cause he just needs more hits on his blog. (After only a month. Sheesh.) Feisty Girl - 'Cause she's just plain friggin' cool. :)

Forbidden Romance

He was her paramour. She was his first love. They were young... too young to marry, yet old enough to know that the attraction was real. They met as seniors in high school. They were sweethearts; the kind that you see in romance novels and weepy chick flicks. Yet the time just wasn't right for them. They went their separate ways shortly after graduation, and she met another man who eventually won her heart. He wasn't so fortunate... not so soon. And he still pined for her, even though she belonged to another. Fifty-something years prior to today, she remembered him telling her that he would do anything for her. He would even wait for her, just in case. Just in case. The chances of just in case happening were slim. But he took that chance, and waited. For twenty years. She married her new love, and raised a family. Finally letting her go, he met another and married as well. Yet they remained close friends; their bond never dying. When her husband passed away, he remained diligently by her side, while still remaining true to his wife. He supported her in her pain, helped her when she needed a hand, and continued the bond that had begun so many years before. As he approached the eve of his life, he drew close once again to the one he always loved. And he felt younger than ever before; as if the close of his life allowed him to profess the love he always had for her. And when his soul left this world, her world suddenly became darker. For she realized that she truly loved this man, and now he was gone. Was this a missed opportunity? Or was it the realization of true love that always existed? For her it was both, and while she wouldn't have had it any other way... Now, she is truly alone. Alone with memories. Alone with time. But alone with the love of two spirits in her heart.

Big things are coming... I hope!

Everybody and their brother (and sister) lately is re-designing their blogs. I'm getting self-conscious. (Imagine that, a gay man with a self-image problem! Unheard of!!) So... I went and designed what I want my blog to look like. I can do that much at least. I just need someone with the skills and the patience to make it happen... if they can! First, I must add that I have installed WordPress on www.rcktman.com . Currently my presence there looks like this: . Seen that before? So have I. I want something more fun and funky. (I do like the new name I chose. Much more suitable don't you think?) So this is what I came up with: Anyone up for a challenge? :)

Happy Holiday

I love government holidays. I especially love when my firm decides to give us the day off because of one. Which makes me think of something I love even more... 3-day weekends. Which is what I'm experiencing right now. I'm going back to bed. Don't wake me. Please. Oh could you be a dear and stop by Pua's place while you're making your rounds? She just baked a batch of Warm Cookies With a Whiskey Chaser. That's the new name of her blog, and it couldn't be more perfect. When that girl sets her mind to doing something, she goes right on ahead and does it. One of the many things I admire about her. Oh and she just got a part-time job too. Now that's what I call being driven! Congrats Pua! Now I gotta change my blogroll. ;) In other blognews, an old blogger friend is back in town with a new look and a new home. And it's damn cute, just like he is. All this remodeling and redesigning makes me jealous. I would love to spruce this place up, too. I just don't know how. I have ideas (nothing in stone yet) but don't know how to execute them. Plus I would love to change the name. I never really liked "Rckt Ramblings" but it was all I could think of when I created this place. I need something more... me. That's something I'll have to ponder today while I'm laying in bed... after I have slept a few more hours.

Who the hell am I?

Inspired by Wayne and Riye Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: Elton John (of course!) Are you male or female: Rocket Man Describe yourself: I'm Still Standing How do some people feel about you: Mellow How do you feel about yourself: Madman Across the Water Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: The Bitch Is Back Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: I Want Love Describe where you want to be: This Train Don't Stop There Anymore Describe what you want to be: The One Describe how you live: Sacrifice Describe how you love: Can You Feel The Love Tonight? Share a few words of wisdom: I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues Telling, ain't it? And while I'm at it... Happy Birthday wishes to Aaron's Mom, Sandy! You have a lovely and talented son... and while I think you know that already, it's always good to hear it from time to time. I can honestly say that I'm proud to count him as one of my friends that I have made in the "blogosphere."

Porn, Cookies, Project Runway, And Thou...

My life this week has consisted of the aforementioned items and not much else. Let's see how it all fits together, shall we? Porn: I've been trying unsuccessfully to burn porn onto DVD's from my computer. For some reason every time I try to encode the DVD's they become corrupt, or something hits a snag and I have to throw the DVD away. These things aren't cheap folks. CD's are a dime a dozen but DVD+R's are EXPENSIVE. I've also tried three times to back up all my files onto a DVD (because it said I could do that) and threw away three DVD's in the process. What the fuck? Can't people make a DVD burner that works? Please?! Cookies: Last night as I was sitting in the living room watching Project Runway (which I'll get to in more detail shortly), I had a hankerin' for cookies. Now mind you, I don't often eat snacks or sweets. I have to watch my boyish figure you know. But doggone it, I had a sweet tooth and it was saying "Bake Cookies. Now. Get moving!" It was nearly 10 PM already when this urge hit me. I wasn't about to haul out the KitchenAid and start mixing cookies at that hour. Then suddenly it hit me. I had some cookie dough frozen from Christmas! I could make those! So in an hour and 1/2 I had a batch of peanut butter cookies all ready for consumption. Hot damn! Project Runway (Wednesday nights on BRAVO): I am totally, insanely, disgustingly addicted to this show. It's Queer Eye on a caffeine drip. Ultra catty, mega campy and oh-so-BITCHY! I love it. It brings out the queen in me that I never wanted to be. Last night's episode was a re-grouping of all the designers to talk about things that happened on the show during the run. It was pretty explosive... lots of finger-pointing, name-calling and one designer stomped out and slammed the door behind her. DRAMA. Love it, especially when it's on TV and not in my life. :) Next week is the season finale, where we find out if Wendy, Kara-Saun or (my personal favorite) Jay wins the New York Fashion Week event and the chance to design their own personal line of clothing. Wendy is a 40-something mom who, throughout the course of the show, never paid much attention to her looks (she always looked like she just got out of bed and her hair, streaked with gray, was always unkempt) and through backstabbing, freaking out at times, and just being an overall bitch to some people, she clawed her way to the top. Last week she beat out the over-the-top-queeny Austin to go into the final three, which shocked everyone. Will she win? I doubt it, but we shall see. Kara-Saun is an extremely talented and accomplished designer who has what it takes and then some. But she's starting to crumble in her hatred against Wendy. Will that bring her down in the end? I'm hoping not. I think Kara has a chance to win it all. She's got the goods. Jay, on the other hand, is nuts. He's a big, loud, boisterous queen and isn't afraid to tell you what he thinks about anything. But he's also a teddy bear and has a true heart and puts every single ounce of himself into everything he does. He hasn't won a single challenge along the way, but has always been so good that he made it to the final three. I would love to see Jay win. He deserves it, just for being so damn different. He looks like a Deadhead from the tehnicolor world. He's awesome. So what the hell... I am addicted to a "reality" TV show? Yes... it's true. I never thought I would get so into a show but I am dying to see how this plays out. I love Queer Eye (both versions; even the Straight Girl "Gal Pals" are growing on me) but this has a story that evolves from week to week and it's fun to watch. Have you been watching? What do you think is going to happen? At this rate I am going to get myself watching shows like "Survivor" and "Amazing Race"... but I doubt it. For some reason I prefer to avoid shows that are over-hyped. I get sick of hearing about them all the time. So this is much more my speed. Less hype, but still fun to watch. Thou: There have been a lot of new "faces" visiting my blog and I am so excited to see you all pop in! Thanks for your comments and for adding me to your blogrolls! I promise that I'll get to your blogs as often as I can. I'm one of those crazy types that reads blogs a week at a time, so you'll see comments from me by the bunch, rather than one a day. That's just how I do it. It's been great meeting you all and I'm looking forward to meeting more of you in the future. Finally, I want to also thank everyone who had such kind things to say about my friend Larry's passing last week. He wasn't my closest friend, but he was a friend. Losing him, along with everything else that happened in the last week, was very difficult. Your thoughts and prayers are most appreciated. So... Thanks :)

Happy (?) VD

So the day has come and gone. And I didn't cry. And I didn't sigh. And I didn't whine. And I didn't wonder why I had to spend another V-day alone. Because I didn't. I had freinds. I had family. I had people I cared about. And they were there for me. Some called. Some wrote. Some sent E-cards. Some just smiled. Some gave candy. Some gave hugs. All were appreciated. So next year I won't cry I won't sigh I won't whine And I won't wonder why I have to spend another V-day alone. Because whether or not I am in love with someone I am never alone With such wonderful people In my life.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Today was another fun-filled day at the theme park. No, I'm not talking about Six Flags Great America or Walt Disney World. This is RcktLand. And this park's theme centers around the world of an everyday gay man living in a big city. It features such spectacular shows such as The Drama Queens, The Game Players and Oh No She Didn't!; restaurants such as Bitter Party, Table for One, Eat Your Words and What Else Do You Put In That Mouth? and rides such as The Mood Swings, The Battling Egos, and everyone's favorite thriller, The Emotional Rollercoaster. Today in RcktLand, the day started out sunny and bright. Prospects were pointing toward a decent day in the park. Boarding The Emotional Rollercoaster, you aren't quite sure what lies ahead. The ride is pretty much hidden under cover from view. You have a pretty good idea it's going to be a wild ride, but until you actually ride the thing, you have no idea how many steep drops, loop-de-loops and corkscrew twists you will encounter. Best to just strap in and enjoy the ride. Or not. The first hill took the form of an event at Sidetrack, as the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus unveiled the DVD of its Holiday, 2004 performance of "Fa La La Blah Blah Blah." The event was closed to Chorus members only, since the video is only an archival memento of the performance for members only. But it was still fun to see everything that happened on stage as it looked to the audience. I was part of a small group that did the song "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." I hate seeing myself on screen for the most part. I looked like the Hippo we were singing about. Ugh. But overall, the video was fun to watch... especially the "outtakes" at the end, which feature Chorus members mugging for the cameraman backstage and at the closing night party. We are a crazy bunch. Climbing this hill was fun, but now I'm at the top. I can see that the drop is pretty steep. I'm ready for anything, though. I brace myself as the ride crests the hill and begins its descent... Larry's funeral was today. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. The Chorus was slated to sing three songs-- "In Whatever Time We Have," "Arise, My Beloved" and "Seasons of Love." "In Whatever Time We Have" by Stephen Schwartz, is one of the Chorus's standard repertoire pieces that we have been performing since our Pride show in 1999. We performed it again for Pride in 2000 and also at GALA in San Jose that same year. It is absolutely one of my favorite songs that we do. Patrick did the arrangement and it's still one of his best ever. "Arise" is a song that Patrick wrote based on a passage from "Song of Songs" in The Bible. It's stunning. We performed it at last year's Pride show and also at GALA in Montreal. "Seasons of Love," from Rent, has been part of our standard repertoire since Spring of 1997. When I joined the Chorus in 1998, I auditioned for one of the solos in the song and have been performing it fairly regularly ever since. The song was included in the Chorus's new CD, "I Will Be Loved Tonight," and I am singing the solo (with my friend Jeremy) on that as well. Today was no different. I could have told Patrick that I wasn't able to perform the song, but I think that I would have regretted making that choice. I could only do my absolute best for Larry. He deserved that, and I wanted to make sure he would hear me singing just for him. As it turned out, the mass was absolutely beautiful. The combination of our music and the rest of the music chosen for the mass, along with the witticisms of the officiating priest and some incredibly moving comments by a nun friend of Larry and his partner Rob, as well as some thoughts from Rob and Larry's brother, turned what could have been a long, drawn-out sad affair into a truly affirming and celebratory night of remembering a dear friend. The church was absolutely packed to the gills, and there were easily between 70 and 80 members of the chorus in attendance. Truly a remarkable representation. I was moved by the sheer number of people who came to pay their respects to such a wonderful person. There were political dignitaries, family members of all ages, and friends from all walks of life. Truly, Larry's passing was incredibly sad. But the life he led is so powerfully affirming. The man just had so much gusto for life. One of the people who spoke said that when you got Larry involved, you got ALL of him. This couldn't be more true, and remained true up until he was too sick to do what he wanted to do. The nun who gave the moving rememberance of Larry did so just before we sang "Seasons of Love." I was doing pretty good up until then, but after she spoke, we were absolutely sobbing. And then we were given the signal to stand up and sing. Oh great.. of course! So I held on tightly to my friend Jeremy's hand on the left of me, and Chad's hand to the right of me, and we sang with more power and energy than we ever have before. And when it came to my time to sing alone, I took the deepest breath I could and just sang... I sang loud, proud and strong for my friend Larry and his family. I sang for my friends. I sang for those in attendance whose lives were touched by such a remarkable man. "In the truth that he learned In the times that she cried In the bridges he burned In the way that he died..." My voice may have cracked a bit, but I just put more power into it and gave it my all. And when I was done, I felt a wonderful sense of love. As if I was being hugged. By Larry, by my friends, my family... I shared my gift of song with them all. Just as they shared the gifts that Larry had given to them all with his life. I may not have much money, and may not be the best when it comes to giving gifts in the material sense. But I have the gift of music to share, and I feel that sometimes that gift is more tangible and remembered. If I can share that gift with someone who touched my life, then it's a gift well-given. The ride is ending and the train is coming into the station. Please keep your arms and legs and all other extremeties inside the train until it comes to a full and complete stop. We hope you enjoyed your ride on the Emotional Rollercoaster and enjoy the rest of your day at RcktLand. Have a nice day!

Finally... some good news!

To break up the doldrums of the week, I got a note from my landlord in the mail yesterday. It was the usual "Your lease is up May 1, do you want to renew?" note. Fully expecting my rent to skyrocket (and why wouldn't it? It would have just fit the events of the week.) I opened the envelope and got a nice surprise. My rent is actually going DOWN next year.... by $35 a month! Can you say "ROCK ON!?" This makes having to pay $44 in taxes this year and not getting any refunds somewhat OK... So what about buying a place? Well... I still am going to start the process and see what happens. If something comes up, I can always sublease. But if I find I need to wait til next year... hey I'm paying $420 less in rent this year. I can't complain.

Sometimes, when it rains, it pours

It always seems that, when things seem to be going really well and everything is looking up, some things happen that make you wonder if the "higher power" out there really enjoys seeing the events of one's life go up and down like the hills of a rollercoaster. To preface all of this, last Friday, a horrible incident occurred in Chicago. A passenger in a cab apparently had an altercation with the cab driver, and it resulted in the passenger pulling the driver out of the cab and running him over-- not once.. not twice.. but THREE times. He then sped away, crashed the cab, got out, hailed ANOTHER cab, and fled the scene. The cab driver died later at the hospital. For most of the weekend, the story dominated the news. people were disgusted and astonished at the horrific crime. At first glance, you would think the story would have taken place in one of Chicago's worst neighborhoods, where things like this are all too common. But it happened in Lakeview... right in the heart of Boystown... where things like this are not at all of the norm. On Sunday night, during one of the breaks at rehearsal, the degrees of separation between me and the story instantly became much smaller. One of my friends approached me and said he just heard some shocking news about one of his friends and was reeling from it... apparently he had turned himself in as the cab driver killer. I asked him who it was and he said "Mike Jackson of Chicago's Department of Health- HIV/AIDS Awareness Division." My jaw dropped. "I know him," I replied. I had met him over a year ago online. We met for... well... we messed around. He was a really nice guy and was very easy to talk to, and I actually enjoyed spending time with him. I had seen him at numerous events since then, and we always talked and caught up. I never, EVER would have guessed that he would be capable of something as heinous as this. Apparently, everyone else that knew him felt the same way, including my friends in the Chorus. In the news that followed, he was portrayed pretty much as my friends said, and as I knew. Nobody knows why he snapped. (Drugs have been suspected by some, but nothing has been confirmed. I wouldn't know one way or the other.) But that still doesn't change the fact that someone I know... someone I had sex with in fact... is a potential murderer. The next chapter in this story lies in the fact that two people very close to me have recently told me that they have tested HIV Positive. I will not say much more than this about it, but hearing this about people who mean so much to me makes me very sad as well. The (hopefully) final, and to date most painful, chapter happened today. Another dear friend of mine from the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus passed away. Larry had been a member of the Chorus for nearly twenty years. He had organized every GALA (Gay And Lesbian Association of Choruses) convention trip since the very first one, and had rarely ever missed a show. His presence in the Chorus was practically expected. He always had a jovial spirit, if not a bit of a drawn-out story to share. Larry had been suffering from the effects of Liver Cancer for many years, but had been in remission up until this past summer. While in Montreal, Larry and I talked for quite some time while out at one of the bars, where he shared with me what he had been going through lately. It didn't sound good. But Larry never, EVER made himself out to be a victim, or let himself sound as if he were hunting for sympathy. He just wanted to share his story and get to know people. He was endlessly friendly. I loved that about him. The trip to Montreal was Larry's last appearance on stage with the Chorus. Nobody knew it at the time. He and his partner, Rob, made the trip into an extended vacation. They saw sights and shared stories. One of my favorite memories of Montreal was after seeing Lily Tomlin, watching the fireworks from afar. It was here that I talked to Larry and Rob about possibly spending a day with them, as my trip was originally supposed to last until the Monday after the festival was over. Unfortunately, that never happened, because I had to cut my trip short by a few days. I regret that now. I would have enjoyed spending the time with them. I saw Larry again a few times after that at Chorus rehearsals. Even though he was no longer able to sing because he was too weak, he still made it a point to attend as many rehearsals as he could. He loved the Chorus that much. I saw him again at the Holiday show. He was looking incredibly gaunt and frail, but his spirit was still warm and as upbeat as he could be. At least until I asked him how he was doing. "I'm doing ok, but I'm not getting any better," he said. "I am just too weak to do anything anymore. And that includes singing with the Chorus." He started to choke up a bit. "I will never be able to sing again," he said firmly. "And that makes me really sad. I miss it so much." "We miss you, too, Larry," I said, holding back the tears as best I could. The last time I saw Larry, he braved his illness and his pain, climbed three flights of stairs, and came to my Christmas party. I was so touched by this. I knew how ill he was. I knew how he must have been hurting. But he took the time to come and be a guest in my home. I will forever be grateful for that. I spent a long time talking to Larry that night. He told me that his doctor told him to make final plans. And if he wanted to travel, now was the time. I told him that he was very dear to me and that I was so glad he took the time to be there that night. And to remain strong and enjoy every day. He stayed for a long time, and when he finally left, I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him.. and to stay strong. He said he would do his best. After he left, my friend Jeremy and I sat on my sofa and cried. We knew that might have been the last time we'd see him. We had no idea that it truly would be. The service is this Saturday, and the Chorus will once again be singing. Since this is the second time within a year's time that we've had to do this, I don't know quite how we will get through it. But somehow, we will. As our president said in the Email that I received just as I was getting ready to leave work, which echoes how I feel word-for word: "Larry was one of the most amazing people I have had the privilege of knowing during my ... years with the chorus. He will be missed in body, but will remain in our hearts."

What a weekend!

From start to finish, this has been quite an eventful weekend. Friday night was a birthday party for my friend Jason... a member of the chorus, surprise-surprise. His party was held at T's, a restaurant that is conveniently located just steps away from my front door. (a/k/a stumbling distance.) I couldn't get stumbly intoxicated though, because... Saturday morning I had to get up early and head down to the Chicago Hilton & Towers hotel to rehearse for the Windy City Slickers' performance at the Kathy & Judy Convention. Whatthehell? Who? Let me splain. Kathy & Judy are WGN-Radio (AM 720) hosts on weekday mornings. They have amassed a huge following over the years because of their frank talk about women's issues and political views. They're fun to listen to, I must admit. I turn them on (not literally) on mornings that I drive in to work. Anyway, each year they hold a convention and invite their fans (largely of the female persuasion, naturally), for seminars and showcases of all things related to women. Well this year, they were looking for some entertainment, and somehow they found out about the Windy City Slickers. So we sent them our CD, "Sunday," which was produced five years ago by a completely different set of Slickers, but is the only promotional piece that we have to offer. They loved it, of course (because it is fabulous) and hired us to do the show. But they had a stipulation. They loved one of the songs on the CD and wanted us to perform it. Oy. Naturally, it was one of the songs we had never performed. And in order for us to do this, we had to contact the guy who wrote it (the former director of the Slickers) and get permission to use it. We got the permission, and the music, but it took a while. By the time we got it, we had less than a month to prepare for the show. So yeah.. it was a bit insane. It all went ok, but it would have been nice to have had another month's prep time. And they loved us, of course. It was a HUGE crowd, in the International Ballroom, the largest ballroom in the hotel. So you can't beat that, I guess. Well... maybe you can... After the show was over, I drove home and quickly got changed... because Saturday night, at the EXACT SAME hotel, in the exact same ballroom (as well as the Grand Ballroom, which was magnificent), was the Equality Illinois Gala. This was a big deal. Equality Illinois is the organization that helped with the fight for anti-discrimination laws in Illinois to include gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendereds. The fight has been going on for the last 30 years. Equality Illinois worked hard to make this happen... and it did, on January 21. So a party that was themed "Just Say I Do" in support of marriage rights, was now slightly rethemed to "Just Say I Do" to reflect the support of the Illinois house, senate AND governor, finally signing the law that says that discrimination of GLBT people is illegal. Illinois is only the 14th state in the union to include GLB people, and only the fourth in the nation to include Transgendereds. It's a wonderful time to live in the Land of Lincoln. In celebration of this, one of Chicago's biggest philathropists, Michael Leppen, heir apparent to the Hoover vacuum fortune, purchased over 200 tickets to the event for members of the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus. Talk about incredible AND hugely generous. So not only did I attend, but every one of my friends did as well. Now THAT is what I call a party!!! Oh... you want pictures? I got pictures, baby... right here... The gang's all here! And we look FABULOUS! Amy Armstrong, me and Paul, our mutual friend. That's me with Robb, one of the boys from Bravo's Boy Meets Boy. I also flirted with a few boys... and even made out with a couple. I'll leave that right there for you to ponder. :) Oh and another thing. I didn't get home until... Sunday morning. (Again, I'll leave you to ponder that on your own.) I got home at around.. oh.. 11am. Where I promptly got showered and changed to meet a boy for brunch at Tweet, the restaurant adjacent to Big Chicks, a popular bar in Uptown Chicago. We had a wonderful brunch. The boy I met, Christopher, was a new member of the chorus when I joined in 1998. I haven't seen him much since, but we reconnected on gay.com. So it was nice to see him again and catch up. He's a cutie, too. After brunch, I made my way to the chorus rehearsal hall for dance auditions. Yeah, that's right... dancing. I figured I'd give it a shot. I was late for the first set of moves (taught by Mr. Nofo himself, Jake) so I sat that set out. (Sorry, Jake.) But I did try the rhumba moves (not too bad) and the swing dancing (which I'd done before ages ago.) In all I think I handled it ok, but I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. At least I gave it a shot. It was fun... certainly hard work. After that was chorus rehearsal. And after rehearsal I joined a few of the boys out for dinner at Bangkok, a Thai restaurant a little ways away from the hall. (Joining me was the chorus boy I had lunch with a couple weeks ago, and may again this week.) Following that, drinks at Sidetrack wrapped up a fun-filled weekend. There's a few other things to tell, but I'll save those for another post... It's late and I must get some sleep. In my own bed. (Oh how I tease you!)

It's A Good Thing Sammy Sosa isn't a Bunny Named Buster

It's been quite a news week. 1. Buster Baxter. Hot on the stiletto heels of Georgy-Porgy's inauguration and Disheveled State of the DisUnion Address, the radical right strikes again, this time lashing out at Buster Baxter, a children's cartoon on PBS. The episode entitled "Sugartime," in which the characters visit a syrup factory in Vermont, came under fire because Buster and his family are "exposed" to a lesbian couple and their child. When introduced to the child, who shows Buster pictures of her mother and her lesbian partner, Buster replies "That's a lot of moms!" To quote the Chicago Tribune columnist Maureen Ryan:

"The number of lesbian mothers in the episode -- there are actually four in total, heading two different families that live near each other in Vermont -- prompted "very serious concerns" by new Education Secretary Margaret Spellings, who said last week that government money should not have gone toward the making of that particular episode of "Buster." Some funding for the 4-month-old show, which is a live-action compilation of travel footage interspersed with short animated segments starring the talkative rabbit, comes in the form of Department of Education grants. PBS officials said last week that they will not distribute the episode in question, "Sugartime!," to the public television network's 349 member stations. However the station that produces "Buster," Boston's WGBH, will make "Sugartime!" available to PBS stations, and so far 18 stations have said they plan to air it, according to the Baltimore Sun. WGBH was scheduled to show the episode on Wednesday. "

As it turns out, WTTW, the Chicago PBS affiliate is planning on showing "Sugartime." Email your thank-yous to WTTW for having the bravery to stand up to our archaic "administration" here. 2. Sammy Sosa. I am a Cubs fan, and I was a Sammy Sosa fan. Note the word "was" in that sentence. There is something to be said for his contributions to the team over the years, but in the last year or two, he has shown just how immature and pig-headed a 36 year old man can be. To walk out on his team like he did the last day of the 2004 season is simply disgraceful. Sure, nobody else wanted to be there either, but the rest of them stayed. So Sammy is off to Baltimore to play for the Orioles. Good riddance. See ya. Have a nice time. Good luck. He had overstayed his welcome by, oh, 3-4 years anyway. 3. Martha Stewart. She's getting out of jail soon. And just in time, she's been signed to the next go-around of "The Apprentice." That's right folks, Martha wants you to work for her. Housewives (desperate or not) are lining up in droves already. The Tribune, God love 'em, had a poll today on their website asking readers what Martha's catch phrase would be (akin to The Donald's "You're Fired"). Here are some examples of what readers suggested. Can you think of any good ones?

You are unacceptable! Farewell!

Find another place to frost your cupcakes honey cause your (sic) DONE!!

You're fired...then glazed... and then hand-painted with a delicate pattern of tiny pink roses.

Sorry...you've been tasted, basted and now you're terminated!

Your muffins are BURNED.

You're about as good as microwaved eggs!

I think it would be a Good Thing for you to work elsewhere.

Don't let my beautiful French doors impact upon your posterior as you leave. (my personal favorite)

You're a souffle that has just fallen.

You're cooked! (with some lovely broccoli florets and a fine Chardonnay.)

You're flambeed!

Goodbye Sun-Times

I am such a mega-klutz. Sunday I had to go in to work from 11-3pm. We were still in the midst of proposal hell (5 proposals, all due on Monday. Yeah last week was a ton of fun, folks) and I had to go in and do some work. That meant forgoing one of my rehearsals, but money is money. Oh and the fact that my two co-workers had each sacrificed their weekends the two weekends prior to this one. I guess I was due. Anyway, I got up and drove in, because I was told (thankfully) by my manager that he would cover my parking expenses. And buy me lunch. OK I'm a cheapskate (and I like a free lunch) so why not, right? I parked the car and started walking out, but the regular exit was blocked. You see, I work in the IBM building, which is right across the street from the former Chicago Sun-Times building, which is being torn down as I type this to build the colossal Trump Tower Chicago. So everything from one end of my building to the parking garage right next to it is an absolute mess. Sun-Times is half-gone and they have closed Wabash Avenue in front of my building and are tearing that down as well. Which is no big deal if your building is directly on solid land, but the street is elevated where we are, so there's a massive crater where the street once was and everything is being re-routed around it. Again, pictures will tell the story better. (See at the end of this story.) ANYWAY, since the parking garage's exit was closed, I had to go out the auto entrance. Which meant walking down a rather steep decline with no steps. Which was treacherous because the ground was slick, because it was warm that day and ice and snow were melting. Which made my footing not-so-good. And so I slipped. And fell. On my left knee. And tore my favorite pair of jeans. And skinned my knee. Badly. Needless to say, I was not in a wonderful mood when I got into the office. So what happens when you skin your knee on the dirty pavement of a parking garage? Crud gets into your knee. And it gets infected. Nice, eh? I cleaned it out the best I could and got some ointment from the first aid kit and bandaged it up with the tiny finger-sized bandages they had in supply. But I still had to work. And go to CGMC rehearsal after work. Luckily I had a Gap gift card and was able to buy some replacement jeans quickly. One can't be seen with a gaping hole in your pants and a bleeding, oozing knee peeking through it when you're amongst 100+ gay men. (Grossed out yet?) My point? This puppy hurts like a sonofagun. I've changed the bandages three times and it still is red. And oozy. I've used peroxide to clean it out and rebandaged it again tonight. I hope to see some healing soon. Now aren't you glad I shared that story with you?

(Spank Me!) I need (Ass) more hits (Tricks)!

OK folks. This is just an experimental (penis) post. My word searches are (ass) boring. I'm still (getting off) seeing the same old (jizz) searches on my (sling) SiteMeter. They're all about (dick) as boring as a day of watching (bathhouse sluts) golf on TV. In order to have more creative (oral sex) searches, I need to add nasty little things to my posts (group sex). So in order to acheive (top daddy master) this (spread eagle) lofty goal, I need to (beefcake) beef up my use of (bottom boys) colorful words. Once I have acheived my (big thick dick) goal, I'll (jerk off) post the results here for you to (fondle) enjoy. Please excuse my (naughty boy) post for today. I promise that tomorrow I'll be (bisexual) back to my (queer, gay, homosexual, flaming queen, raunchy stud) old self. Thanks. Have a good one!